Thorpe Thoughts...: Sweet Caroline

{In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.}

-Proverbs 16:9

Eek - vulnerability warning! This is how the Lord's mighty hand is at work in my heart...

Let me start by saying that my mother's intuition was wrong in every sense of the word. I sure do hope it gets sharper and more defined as I get older and learn to be a mother to my sweet Caroline. ;) As Jay and I prepared to find out the gender of our baby I tried and tried to be as open as possible to having both; however, I was convinced we were having a boy. Like, 100% certain. So, I think you can imagine my surprise and shock when the sonographer told us our baby was a girl. I really, really, really thought we were having a boy, but alas, there was no sign of BOY near that tiny little bottom of our baby. Of course, I knew this could be a possibility so why was I so surprised and in such disbelief? I quickly picked up my jaw from the floor and gathered myself before my entourage entered the room. I couldn't let them see me so disheveled, so surprised, so... (some other word that I'm too afraid to say on this blog).
The rest of the time in the ultrasound room was quite exciting and fun, actually. Everyone got to see the "evidence" that, truly, the baby inside was indeed a girl and we got to see her move, yawn, kick and look straight into the "camera" (for lack of a better term even though I know well that it's not at all a camera). In fact, if it had been a 3D ultrasound, I'm sure we would have seen a peek at our precious little girl's not-so-chubby face. After the sonogram, everyone had such encouraging and kind words to say to me while we waited for the doctor. I was glad to be reassured even though I felt some different emotions. All I wanted to do was not cry. But... I did. How could you be crying (!) you ask? I had just seen the most miraculous and blessed creation God could ever give and honestly, I didn't quite know myself. Wasn't I supposed to feel overjoyed and excitement no matter the gender?? How could I be feeling scared and anxious and so... let down? I struggled with my emotions for the next few minutes (hours even), asking myself questions and searching for answers I couldn't quite find.

It wasn't until Jay and I were in the car headed to Mimi's Cafe that we were able to process the news and share free thoughts about our daughter. Yes, our daughter. All I could think about was how we weren't having a son. My wonderful and loving husband turned to me and basically said "Katherine, do not allow Satan to rob you of the joy from the gift of life God has given to our daughter - Caroline Elise." Pause. I need a tissue break. OK, let me just clear my eyes here... I loved my husband so much in that moment for reminding me of that. The God of the universe had chosen to bless me with a child who was destined to be a woman from the beginning of time. Finally, I got it. The Lord was asking me to trust in HIM and to lean on HIS understanding. (Proverbs 3:5) And as we pulled into the parking lot, Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I couldn't believe my ears and knew it was affirmation from the Lord Himself. So Jay and I burst out singing the chorus in honor of our baby girl and thanked the Lord again for the miracle inside of me.

I could not feel more sure that God knew exactly what He was doing when he chose to bless me with a daughter. And even though my family wasn't going to be what I pictured, I knew I could trust in His will and plan and purpose to be a mother to a daughter first. Ultimately, He is the author and perfecter of my faith, so I will fix my eyes on Him. (Hebrews 12:2a) He is the one who knows best and His plan is always better. Thank you, Lord, for knowing my heart and allowing me to be a part of Your kingdom as Your child and to be a mother to Your creation.

Caroline: song of happiness, joy

Elise: consecrated to God